I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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