Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
