well you can't waste a boner
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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