I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
