If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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