I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sober January is a disaster.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
