I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize