He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
