The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
