matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
