so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
