Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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