I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
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