I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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