We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
