On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize