my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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