If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
