If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
