Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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