Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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