he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
