theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
