I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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