You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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