I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dignity is for republicans.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
