Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
