i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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