he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
