either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
