can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
