what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
