I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
