hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
