I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
