i can't believe i had my finger in that
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
