peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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