Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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