broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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