You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
