i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
