you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
