Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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