You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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