Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we should paint friendship bongs
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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