why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
