hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
