she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
