my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
