Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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