im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
