My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
