During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
please don't ironically join a cult
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