In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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