wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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