I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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