She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
