GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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