actually, I'm a sock model
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you mean i was at the winter classic?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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