If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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