wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
